A Serene Drive and Emotion

There are some moments when you are more sensitive and emotional then others… but when you look back later some time, you may laugh at yourself, or you may just want to forget. Human mind is pretty weird and interesting.

I don’t know why I did this today, but well, I guess you can’t be always the person you are supposed to be, life would have been boring in that case.

Here goes a writing I wrote tonight:

“Tonight is surprisingly calm; at least it appears that way to me. Days or nights, fundamentally they don’t have any difference; it’s just the way we perceive them. Anyway, what matters to me is how I see it.

I was supposed to go to the gas station. Yeah, I went there, fortunately or unfortunately, the queue was so long that I opted to drive away, but not before trying at least five stations.

Traffic was uncharacteristically low. The orange beams of the street lights of the Airport Road on those scattered cars looked fabulous… you don’t see them (or may be feel that way) often. And there was this masterpiece, like the Mona Lisa of Leonardo, the Mohakhali Flyover. Looked like a boulevard with glowing trees standing tall with all their glory of light to greet the eternal journey of a willing mind, travelling without destiny… towards an unforeseen future… towards the prophecy of tranquillity… It looked so alluring, attracting… wish the ride never ended. While I was alleviating, it felt the soul was making its eternal journey towards the sky. I love this part… forever… always… Wish the flyover had an infinite dimension with limitless path to drive.

My drive was atypically soft, well that’s not the term used in general, but I can’t recall any better replacement. During the return flight, that’s what I would prefer to say, while I was driving through the highest achievable height, I saw this half-moon, creamy in appearance… I’ll remember it for long time.

I felt like writing all these while I was driving.”

Image Courtesy:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/61468224@N00/124275318/

Imaginary Shadow

0959 BST
29-04-2007

Society, interaction, contact between individuals are inseparable part of human existence. Through the course of life we meet so many people… some of them are our relatives, some of them are our colleagues, some are friends, some are classmates, some belong to same social group and millions more undefined relationships.

Any interaction requires lots of predictions and anticipations. Because people just don’t come and tell you what they feel about something or some action. Besides it’s always an advantage if you can predict someone’s move in advance. When we start interacting with a new person, we start to build a hypothetical person in our mind… in our imagination. His/her shape changes with every interaction with him/her… we get new data, either we try to fit them in existing model or we have to modify it. Sometimes some extreme data are recorded…sometimes we aren’t sure whether we should discard these data or should we modify our model?

Sometimes it’s really shocking to have a data which is completely against the observation of nearly day to day observation of so many days…

Is this expectation? Well, I think, rather this is prediction. There is a subtle difference between predication and expectation. Expectation is less dependent on data; it has more to do with relationship between persons concerned. On the contrary prediction is purely observation based.

In my life I had to make lots of predictions, but expectations… may be I can count the number. And I hate expectations which often bring pain… but either way it’s part of life.

1908 BST
29-04-2007

It’s been a while since I wrote this blog, I’ve published it unaltered.

Image Courtesy:

This image was downloaded from a flickr page, but unfortunately I forgot the link. My sincere apologies to the owner of the image, please write down the link in the comment and post if any of you know the source. Thanks.

Don’t know what to write!!!

0144 BST

23-05-2007

Feeling like posting a blog. Don’t know what I’m going to right. Actually I’ve been trying to figure out something and there is nothing. Mind is a funny game indeed. There are moments when my head is full of ideas, but the urge to write down isn’t there and vice versa.

May be I can write down something on what I’m listening to. Right now I’m hearing Stacie Orrico’s “I’m Not Missing You”. I was going through my music collections and found this song today and actually I liked it. Here goes the lyric

I’m Not Missing You

Oh, Oh
Im not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Dont know what I was missing or why I aint listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that its over
What else could it be he just had to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didnt I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

[Chorus]
(But) Im not missing you
Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
Im not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know Im usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I dont even feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you

Its a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didnt I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

[Chorus x2]

No I cant be with you
Cause I’m scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I cant keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love’s good when its right
And when it’s left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone elses life

[Chorus]

Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I know Im usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you.

………………………………………………………..

When you say, you are not missing something or someone, actually that is the moment when you miss that stuff or person the most, isn’t it true?

0154 BST

23-05-2007

Image Courtesy:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/97713927@N00/35524316/

Random Thoughts… …

Random thoughts…… so many words…… scattered sentences…… unorganized prose… I just can’t write them down…… or may be I can…… I can’t post them…… but I want to… …why…… may be questionnaire himself knows the answer as much as I know……

Life is pretty weird, huh? Or it is pretty funny? Either way it’s really enjoyable, isn’t it?

Sometimes I feel my life has turned into a momentum… … like the flow… … I do things without feeling much… … sometimes like duty… … sometimes like obligation… … sometimes like responsibility… … sometimes … well, I don’t know actually… … May be I’ll start to feel… … but I’m afraid of that… … may be never… …

Being good in something means being good in other things as well… … I was best when I was there… … My friends in Chittagong accuse me of being selfish, because I can easily get over things… … It has been more than three years I’ve left Chittagong for study and I rarely pay visit there……

Is it selfishness? I did my best when I was there… … When you made me left… … when you didn’t give me the opportunity… … what is the point behind looking to the past??? My life is dynamic, I adapt quickly, I’m flexible… …

Let’s finish reading one of Saad Bhaya’s blogs, A Dawn with Rabindranath, which I liked so much… … I love his writings.

Image Courtesy:

http://morguefile.com/archive/?display=14543

The Shell That Tore My Heart Apart…

“Human heart is inherently beautiful.”-It’s my life philosophy. I try to fit everyone in this model…

When we do something good, we don’t simply do that for getting a praise or admiration (at least I don’t). Still it feels good when someone praises. But the opposite happened lately for me. I got my best complement on March 1, 2007… followed by another one… and yet another one. And you know something? It felt really bad, as bad as it can be. Appreciation reminded me the pain. Admiration made me feel helpless. Praise told me that if the world had single unlucky person, I’m the one. Tribute appeared as a testimony of the lonely journey of a sailor in search of an island. Acknowledgement came as a shell which tore apart my heart. Homage was like salt in the deep cut… may be it’s like run over of an already dead body by a car…

Sometimes halfway through any class or in the middle of brainstorming, bits and pieces of past events or dreams come up… I feel my life could have been different… If I weren’t the best… mature… sensible… smart… If I weren’t the most wonderful person someone had ever met… If I weren’t “Stronger than the strongest”… If I were like others… Yeah, life would have been lot different… I wish I was a stupid, nonsense, idiot… a never ending list…

Mind is pretty funny isn’t it?

From Garden to Peas

Irregular diaries, blogposts, regular sleeps… my life is going lazy, quite study less; sometimes couple of words from different books; easiest time in my life. Or hardest!!!

�

Reading one’s mind is a tough job. But I think I’ve found a way to crack my own one. Musical taste and song preference is a good parameter. If I check my last.fm site, it’s amazing how it is building, day by day. Viewing the stat as a unit might not give sensible message. But looking at the time of hearing different tracks reveals greater information.

�

There are moments when I keep hearing Savage Garden, Yaatri, Tutul, Richard Marx, Enrique Iglesias… On the other hand, sometimes I hear Black Eyed Peas, PCD, Daddy Yankee, Snoop Dogg, NFS or Fast and Furious tracks. Preference can switch between the two extremes or attain any intermediate level.

�

Social networking and Web 2.0 made things quite different. People are letting so much information about them publicly available. There are two types of people: One group is doing this without knowing, the other unconsciously. I would have never said others what music I hear. Nevertheless, I’m doing that in Web knowingly and more effectively… anyone willing can get idea about my mood simply by checking out what I am listening… You don’t have to be a mind reader or a psychologist, just check out one’s overall top track, and then see Recent tracks. I bet even a numb person can read the message.

�

Anyway, things are turning bit complicated. I didn’t intend to write an article on social networking and its consequences.

�

There are some songs which are better not listened to. They say words which you are afraid to think or realize. But it feels different when you hear those. It feels bad, or devastated or even worse… but it’s real. You can hear your heart. I don’t know whether it is good or bad! But sometimes you’ve to pay attention to the unattended, to ensure there is no rebellion. Bribing own-self……how funny, isn’t it?

�

There are phases of life, when you are at one phase you feel like you’re stuck. Nevertheless, we shift to another, when the time comes. Even if we try to remain stuck, there is no way. There is a wise saying-”Time and tide waits for none.”

�

We all have different strategies to cope with the adverse situation. Sometimes we hear music, sometimes we write… our own words… diaries, poems, quotes… without caring what others may think. May be no one will read them again. May be some day, you yourself will read them. These words are the greatest words written in life, they are the most appealing, simply because you write them ignoring your society, audience… The funny thing is some of them may turn out to be the best writings in your writhing history. Things that have been done meaninglessly become the most meaningful.

�

We don’t know what is waiting for us. The only thing in our hand is dreams. Hopes and dreams keep us alive and willing to take chance.

Metabolic Pathway and Expectation

I’m bit irregular with Yahoo 360 lately… Passing busy time. Anyway, here is one of my dairy entries written in the mean time.

�

�

0025 BST

17-11-2006

�

Nothing is more shocking than seeing your life philosophy was wrong.

�

Just returned from nearly 2 hour long drive with Ishtu. We had different sort of talkings, high thought to our feelings. It was fun driving, as always.

�

Once I wrote, the toughest job for a human mind is simulating others’ minds (in conventional way, reading others minds). Nonetheless, we all have to. It’s the basis of society. People just don’t come to you and say, “I feel this way about you” or “I didn’t like this”. We have to read it out.

�

In a metabolic pathway, if the 1^st step is non-functional, there is no use of other downstream pathways. You read wrong, you have different expectation, you draw different conclusion. At the end of the day, you’re the person who suffers, not s/he.

�

Funny thing is, we don’t even know our own mind, let alone others. Each and every day, your mind changes. How can you blame others?

�

Knowing ownself doesn’t solve the problems either. Sometimes you realize stuffs that shouldn’t be realized (not in the sense they are forbidden, rather it brings more pain than the joy of knowing something hidden). Involvement of others makes things even more complicated. At the end, you have to take a decision. Taking a firm one is the best option. Anyway, we are far from being ideal.

�

0047 BST

17-11-2006

�

�

NB: BST stands for Bangladesh Standard Time

The Greatest Elegy

Sometimes it feels great to live. But there are certain moments when I feel like living is worthless, life is full of sorrow and disappointment, it’s like the flow of river. Can you say why a river flows??? May be a river herself doesn’t know the answer. May be it flows because it has to… There is no purpose… It’s just a game which you can only ignore, there is no way you can deny nor can you restrain. Truth is sometimes bitter, but accepting it, I guess, is our destiny.

�

There was a time when I used to think I can control myself… more than anyone else. Nothing will change, nothing can change. I used to believe I’m confident, whatever I do. But what an irony!!! It didn’t take much time to change my vision. Now-a-days, sometimes I am the most confused person I’ve ever met. When life is a confusion, it confuses me more. Why we have to make critical choices, why we can’t be at the both side of the river? Why we can’t choose after tasting, rather than after simulating? It’s really tough to take a decision, especially when it can change the way your life will go in future. What if the decision you’ve taken is the greatest mistake of your life, what if it is the beginning of a disaster, rather than the end of a tragedy… What if my life is the greatest elegy of a heart I’ll ever know???

�

Being human is the toughest mission, acting human is even tougher. I don’t know when the pain ends… may be it will never end? What is the objective of life? Finding masochistic joy through the bleeding of own heart!!! Or ignoring the heart itself!!! This is getting tougher day by day. Recently I’m finding the second option effective… But will it last… I’m realistic; I know great days don’t stay with someone forever. But what to do then! Is switching between two is what my life is meant to be???

�

Those who have known me for years will surely get surprised to see this entry. We know part of a life and ironically we think we know the most… even better than him/her…Ha Ha Ha… Once I said I’m sure about one of my close friends, but I had no idea I’ll be proved completely wrong.

My Top Chart

I’ve signed up for last.fm, an online music community.

Here goes my recently played tracks

 

 

And here goes my Top Chart

Artist:

 

 

Tracks:

 

 

Another thing, you can always check what I am hearing… It’s an HTML feed.

 

NB: last.fm isn’t an online radio. Rather it sends the names of songs that I hear to their central server. List of songs that I have heard can be seen at
http://www.last.fm/user/akashgaan/

Enjoying Being ME

Hi Everyone.

The net connection was down for nearly a week… It was like a week underground .

Interestingly lots of things have changed in my life by this time… I’ve got back the ME who used to enjoy reading and learning… It’s been more than two years… Gosh!!! I missed being me.

Life is weird and it’s an amazing stuff. I’ve got my worst result in my life, but interestingly I’m the happiest me in last 6/7 months (may be in a year or so).

Some things in life change, some never. But right now I’m celebrating being me… life seems so wonderful… so amazing. It just feels marvellous.