December 14, 2009.

Mahdi’s Journal.

8.30 pm. I am walking through a road of Dhaka… vendors selling, barbers shaving and cutting hairs, the video game shop filled with spoilt/ to be spoilt kids … a busy night. Me, probably one of the many, moving to and fro through the riddles of mind!

The euphoria of past, at times, elude our present thoughts and judgements. We know they are meaningless, yet we cling to them as if they are the only hope. We, humans, get emotional, act childish and let our judgement be masked! Sense and sensibility become merely two words of dictionary without having any practical implications!

And I made the decision! Left the past, erased it and started to live for what valued and important I have in my present life.

… and my life indeed is beautiful…

1039 BDST

01-11-2009

Time is relative- sometimes I feel I’ve so many examples in my life.

Good moments, they pass by so fast, like a blink of eye! Bad ones, the cling to your life as if they are never meant to leave! What an irony! Why it isn’t the opposite?

Most of the times you will see me happy; not because I pretend to be, it’s because I actually am! Pretending was never in dictionary, I guess that’s a real bad trait. I can get condemned someday for that; that’s a different story though!

When I look back at my life, it’s like a camera reel. I’m a kid playing with my toys, winning all the games I played not because I was great in them, but because I was best at manipulating my playmates! Losing wasn’t in my dictionary either! But I was a good player also. Then I see me growing up, returning to Bangladesh from Kingdom of Saudi Arabia… days in Bangladesh, hard ones… school, college, university. It doesn’t even take a minute to travel a lifespan of 24 years 11 months and 25 days approximately, how weird is that?

What a joke! Ain’t it? Life, feelings, emotions, all the caring stuffs; I mean why do we bother so much about others? Sometimes I think these are the worst dead ends of evolutions. Human beings would do way better without them… so much sorrow and pain around… when I see the lives of my close ones. What’s the point? Every story has a similar match! It’s like the same drama played over and over again! The only difference being the actors, actresses and perhaps the stage!

If you’re trying to make sense of how the writing is proceeding and how it will end, then I suggest stop doing that… you will see a convoluted tunnel with no light… neither any ending. It’s just my mind, moving to and fro, trying to pass through the bad moments.

I’m getting disappointed with my writing… the standard keeps on dropping! Why is that? Is it because I stopped practicing? Or is it because I stopped being hopeless! Yeah, that’s the appropriate term. I wrote on this already in a previous entry!

The strategy of living the moments have changed me so much! Life is fun now; I enjoy every bit of it! Some of my friends keep on criticizing me constantly! I never get their logic! Is it they can’t accept the reality? Or is it they are too jealous of my life.

Wrote nearly a page, attended a phone call in the meantime, only half an hour!!! At least I’ve spent some of the worst moments, sewing meaningless sentences.

Better luck next time!

1115 BDST

01-11-2009

05-10-2009

0133 BDST

Such a practical joke, mine has always been!

Having the courage to taste life is a really a bad trait. It has so many drawbacks, so many pains and struggles. Knowing all these I was never afraid, maybe I’ll never be. It’s not in my genes!

I know it’s a bad day and I shouldn’t be doing this; technically I’ve an exam tomorrow, its the last serious bullshit exam I’m probably going to give in my life! Exams in this country (Bangladesh) are such meaningless pain in the ass! You memorize stuffs, vomit them, the better you’re at copying, the more mark you get! What a tragedy! 4-5 days of non-stop memorizing, 4 hours and its over! Only Almighty knows what do we gain from this drama!

Who cares when nobody cares! The story of my life!

0145 BDST

05-10-2009

Image Courtesy: http://www.flickr.com/photos/toy_box/1290052190/

This is bit weird, I want to write but I have nothing in mind! It feels empty

If you go through approximately 130 posts of this blog, I’m sure you’ll find lots of discrepancies! I would say something in one post, then would say the opposite in a post sometimes later! Its not because I’m not consistent in my thoughts. Rather different blog-posts reflect different states of my mind at different stages of my life! Besides this blog is a journal of my once volatile now overtly stable mind.

Human mind is one of my fascinations. Their emotions, changes in their expression never ceases to amaze me… absolutely phenomenal!

I’m lucky you know, to be close to so many people… close enough to decipher clues of their mental states. I don’t know is it my specialty or is it that I always pay close attention to subtle things in human face or voice! Most of the times, just hearing the voice or just a glimpse of the face is enough for me to get an idea of the state of mind of the person observed!

This is hopeless! The blog is going nowhere! I should better stop

The idea about social responsibility appears bit out of date to me, at least sometimes. I was having this discussion with a friend of mine today. He was saying, “Once a person opens a pharmacy at the locality, he has to keep open his shop late since people might need drugs even if there is no customer!” I don’t know, but this expectation simply lacks logic! Isn’t it a kind of social punishment to the individual for starting drug business instead of starting a grocery shop or may be bakery!

May be my views sound utilitarian! May be it actually is.

Sometimes I keep on wondering about the boundary between duty and favour. As human beings we all do and receive favours. But someone doing favour today doesn’t mean he is bound to do the same tomorrow or the day after tomorrow!

Anyway, nothing is absolute! May be the solution of word’s so many problems isn’t in individualistic philosophy!

Drawbacks and positives: A delicate balance!

01-09-2009

0209 BST

Sometimes I wonder what do I actually miss? Is it being hopelessly depressed, running to and fro through the endless vacuums of illusion of mind or is it writing some quality write ups for which I would feel proud while wandering through my own writings? The question arose yesterday when one of my friends said, he really does miss my writings, used to be my best attributes!

Well, I still do write though! Papers, Project proposals, Synopsis, Progress… it might sound egotistic, but indeed I write good :p But feelings, thoughts, emotions… I don’t have time to write them down. Besides when you’re happy and you have lots of people close to share your joys, emotions and pains (don’t have much of them in my present life and I’m grateful for that ), maybe it’s a weird thing, you lose the drive to write… I don’t know about you, but that’s what happened to me!

Writing is a skill, like any other, you can’t build them in a day… you can’t lose them in a week… but they get blunt when you leave them untouched and unpractised for years! Once in a blue moon, when I try to slip myself in into my old arena, I feel I don’t fit in it anymore!

Everything in life is like the “Art”s… each of them… say it irony or bliss… many of them are mutually incompatible…  You get better at something… you get worse at something else…

These might not make sense… they aren’t intended to make either!

Scrabbles of an out of touch painter!

01-09-2009

0235 BST

Image Courtesy: http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/gris/painter-window/

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport. General opinion makes out that we live in a world of hatred and greed but I don’t see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy but it’s always there. ‘Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.When the planes hit the Twin Towers, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge, they were all messages of love. lf you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”

British Premier David (Hugh Grant in Love Actually)

1242 BST

20-02-2009

Once it used to be a daily job…

Now, well, I don’t even remember when I did last time…

Life changes, faster than one can ever imagine… good or bad… right or wrong… happy or sad… joy or sorrow… whatever…

Sometimes I wonder, what exactly is the objective of a man’s life? Some vie for success, some live for their emotion, some die for their career, some simply to live… me? Don’t know? May be to do what I enjoy doing!

Is it necessary to have one?

Oh, it is my first in the year 2009, probably! I used to be good in them, may be still am! The style changed, at least in this one … I would like to acknowledge the person who once wrote, “Memories are like retained snapshots.”

What is the objective of writing? Is it putting down explicitly what you want to say? Or is it carefully articulating mundane affairs into artistic illusions with the aid of flamboyant yet elegant phrases? I would prefer the latter one, a writers’ inner pleasure…

Switching to the subject I intended. Like life, writing never goes according to the plan.

I’ve seen people compete to become “The One” in every aspect of life. Are they happy? Not at all, jealous at others’ every success, spending nights pondering why someone else got better results and hurling through days doing whatever needs to be done to achieve the goal, at the expense of self-respect and dignity, if required. I’ve seen people putting emphasis on how they feel no matter what logic says… act a fool… act stupid… act irresponsible… feel the heat (or heart)… life goes on…

My life… well, I’m happy, with what I get… no regrets for my past actions and decisions… no regrets for what if… Try best; live with what you get… Life is beautiful and the beauty is in the eye of beholder… you need to see though… Be grateful for the lessons you’ve learnt… I’m, for all of the lessons and experiences, truly I’m…

And Life indeed is beautiful…

1411 BST

28-02-2009

What Goes Around……Comes Around Interlude

Justin Timberlake

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it’s all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around (should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that

Don’t want to think about it (no)
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around (should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
But that’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

[Comes Around interlude:]

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get’s a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he’s doing to you
What you did to me
Ain’t that the way it goes

When you cheated girl
My heart bleeded girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain’t somebody with a lot of sympathy
You’ll see

(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

[laughs]
See?
You should’ve listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)
[laughs]

Last night I was experimenting with my brother’s iPod, he suggested me to watch this music video. Generally I don’t like posting materials which aren’t written by me, but I kinda liked this song.

27-08-2008

0122 BST

Today I rediscovered how much troublesome it is to be a teenager! All of a sudden you grow up to the society, people around expect you to be rational, logical, mannered… blah blah blah… the never ending list. You yourself are confused… am I already grown up? Or am I in the process of being grown up? You do still hold your childish desires, yet you feel the responsibility the society has bestowed upon you.

Sometimes you are bloody pissed off with this weird life. You show off your anger and disappointment. Then your actions are judged as if they are done by an adult individual, you start wondering when did I actually join the elite adult group (the irony is you’ve always wanted to be a part of that when you’re a kid)?

You feel neglected because you don’t get the attention you used to get … as a kid in those fights with your younger or elder siblings, the biasness of the judgements of your parents towards you, yeah, you used to enjoy them. You cant demand strawberry ice cream or red Ferrari anymore, yet you feel you never wanted them more. You want to sit in your dad’s lap (when I was kid I remember asking dad to let me sleep in his pouch); you wish to rest your head in your mom’s arms. But you can’t anymore!!!

As a grown up, which you denounced thus far, you want freedom, respect and privacy. Alas! Nobody seems to bother about them; they still think you’re the kid you used to be and too Naïve. Well, that’s so unjust; you don’t give me my childish privileges anymore then give me the rights I should have as an adult. Suddenly you remember the Rabindranath line you read couple of days back in our textbook- “…Tero-chouddo bochor er cheler moto prithibite balai ar nai…” (Nothing is more problematic then the thirteen-fourteen)

You re-realize the meaning of your life…

0215 BST

27-08-2008